Re-adjusting

It has been a little over a week since I have been in America.
I think everyday for the first 5 days, I shed many tears.
Being back in these familiar places is very strange.
On the one hand, they are places I have known very well, and the familiarity is comforting
and on the other hand, I view them with new eyes that have seen and known another way of living.

The things that cause strong emotions vary.
Often times, it's the most random and unexpected things that hit me hardest.
For example, the garden section of the grocery store really upset me.
When I saw the all-too-perfect flowers in their orderly little flower-pots, my heart's mind recalled the gardens I adored on my daily walks through Botevgrad.
When I ate a simply cooked fried egg, I got upset at the color of the yolk. It wasn't the right shade of yellow.
When I hear music on the radio, it's not so different from the pop music I always heard in Bulgaria, however, just tapping my hands and feet as I have always done reminded me of my little ones in the orphanage who moved their tiny bodies to the beat of the music that played in each room.
My kids.
I want to think about them but I have a sort of self-limitation on how much I can think about them.
It's a difficult balance that I'm still figuring out.

And then there are all my beautiful Bulgarian friends...
Facebook helps a lot with this- it is at least an avenue of keeping in touch.
But my access to internet is limited now since I don't have internet at home.
Part of me sees this as a good thing in that I won't be glued to my computer
and the other part of me sees this as a difficult thing in that I can't talk to my Bulgarian friends as often as I want to... which is basically everyday.

I think I'm pretty lucky because I didn't experience jet-lag upon arriving here... but I've noticed that my body's response to stress is sleep. Whenever I feel overwhelmed (something I don't always recognize until after I've calmed down), I try to escape through sleeping. I don't like this because I think I'm avoiding my feelings, but sometimes, I just can't help it. I'm still working through it though.

Aside from all the negative stuff however, I've experienced a heck of a lot of amazing things.
There is nothing like the support, encouragement, and understanding of friends.
There is nothing like reunions with those dear ones you've known for literally half your life
There is nothing like being attacked with hugs from your little sister
There is nothing like the smile on your mom's face when she sees you again
There is nothing like the taste of mom's home-cooked food (I still can't get enough of Mexican food!)
There is nothing like watching your big brother propose to the beautiful girl you always wanted for him
There is nothing like gaining new sisters and family members you never knew you could love so much
There is nothing like the salty breeze at the beach and the smell of sunscreen on your skin
There is nothing like lazy evenings of Harry Potter and ice cream.

There is just nothing like it, and I want to soak up every second of the nothingness.

People keep asking me what I will do now that I am back, and many people ask me if I will return to Bulgaria.

Now that I'm back, I will do what anyone would do... try to find a job. I'll start the process for a Florida teaching license and maybe find a minimum wage job in the meantime so I at least have some form of income to help out with bills at home.
Will I go back to Bulgaria?
I have no doubt about it. I just have no clue when it will happen.
The good news is, God always provides. If He has led my heart to Bulgaria, He will get me there at the right time. I've learned that the cheesy things people say about God's timing is true. It is perfect. I think God blessed my time in Bulgaria which reassures me that it was the right time for me to go. I waited a long while before I was able to go there, and that taught me that God's blessing is always worth the wait. Right now, I am peace with waiting. The peace of God is a glorious thing.

So from here on, I will work towards readjusting to American life. I can tell it won't be easy. I know job-hunting will probably be discouraging and that boredom and lack of purpose will be a struggle for me, so for this, I ask prayer. I'm just glad that through all this, I won't be alone- not in body, nor in spirit.

Heartbreak

I know it has been a while since I have written.
I have so many "unpublished" blogs that I could never bring myself to finish.
But now, I find that writing and crying are the only ways to release some of what I am feeling.

In one week and about three hours, I will find myself back in Nashville... the place that sort of brought me here.
And I consider Nashville to be my favorite city in the U.S. There is something loveable about it that I will never escape from.
After Nashville, I will find myself in the arms of my beloved family... the light at the end of the tunnel... the line at the finish.. the goal I fix my eyes upon

But right this moment... 
I don't want to leave. I don't want to say any more goodbyes. 
I feel like my heart breaks a little more with each one
I feel like I'm dying inside.

I don't understand what this is. I don't know how to cope with it.
I don't know why I have loved ones all over this world 
but still feel alone.

I am terrified of the uncertainty that lies ahead
I have all this book knowledge of cross-cultural experience but it doesn't make me feel any better and it doesn't help make any of this easier.

I think about my students... and in my mind, I don't even think of them as students. They are my friends.
I think about my friends and they are my family.
I think about the children at the orphanage and they are my sweet little ones... the ones who greet me with excited smiles, hugs, and kisses. The ones who still ask me when I will be coming back every.single.time. they see me. The ones who are soul of my soul. Heart of my heart.
They are used to goodbye.. but they still ask for you long after you're gone.

Oh God.
I am heartbroken in every possible way.
Why did I do this?
Why did I come here? if I'm just going to have to leave again.
Why get close to people at all?
Why leave all you have ever known in order to be a stranger in new place?
Why Love if it only leads to heart break?

I did this because God spoke to my heart. 
He told me that there are people I could love here.
I got close because I couldn't help it. I let myself be vulnerable with everyone because I trust them. I trust them because God placed this trust inside me. 
I left "home" because God led me to a new one.
I Love because I can. I Love because it only exists when it is shared.. and I want it to exist. I want it to surround me. I want it to change people. I want it to change me. I want it to break me. And it has! It has!
It has completely broken me. How could it not? The only Love worth having is the one that breaks you.. the one that builds you into something new. The one that makes you hurt... the one that is worth suffering for.

I don't know how to explain this. But my love for this country.. my love for these people.. my new friends, my new family... they matter to me. They mean everything to me. Everything. And they are so special. They have such amazing minds.. such amazing hearts. And they deserve my heartbreak.

Do you understand?
It's the same way I feel about loved ones who have passed away.
They deserve to be mourned over.
They deserve the Love that breaks you.

For right now and perhaps until I return, Bulgaria deserves my broken heart.

България

Have I told you lately how much I enjoy teaching?

Have I mentioned how deeply I love my students?

How I would give anything, do anything, sacrifice anything if ever they needed me to?

Have I told you how joy consumes my heart when I see my little ones at the orphanage?

Have I told you how loving they are?

Have I told you how bright and happy their smiles are when we spend time together? Or how bright and happy my smile becomes to see them so happy?

Have I told you lately, what an honor it is to be in this beautiful country?

Have I told you about the people I have come to know?

How they have openly welcomed me into their lives?

How they have shown me such generosity and love?

 How they teach me everyday? Encourage me everyday? Pour joy into my life every single day?

Have I told you about this land? 

This beautiful creation of hills that 

roll endlessly onward?

Have I told you of the mighty mountains, draped in untrodden snow that melts into mysterious forests? 

Or the green pastures laid against an ever-blue sky?

 

Have I told you about Bulgaria? 

Because if I haven't, you should know,

it has a hold on my heart.  

Outstretched Arms

Do you know what overwhelms me?

Change.

Change overwhelms me.

Change removes all of my safe guards of comfort and security and leaves me vulnerable and afraid.
Change forces me to admit all of the things about myself that scare me.
Change does not allow me to run or hide.

So I'm here. Quite vulnerable and quite visible- for all my truths, for all my strengths, and for all my weaknesses.
And if I were facing Change by myself, I'm quite certain I would crumble under it's weight.

But,

much stronger than all Change, is this God
--this God who Loves.
A Love that overwhelms me in an entirely different way.
A Love that makes me strong.
A Love that makes me new.
A Love that doesn't just "change me," but rather
A Love that completely transforms me.
A Love that makes me whole.

And suddenly, all of the change that I was facing, isn't so scary.
Fear comes and goes, as it always does,
but it does not overwhelm me.
When the piercing eyes of Change search my soul in the ways that once brought insecurity,
I no longer shy away from it's stare.
I face it because I do not face it alone.
And the strength of God's beautiful Love allows me to be vulnerable and rise to the challenge.

So, here I am, in this new place, on this new journey, as a forever teacher and a forever learner. I embrace the changes. And though I know they will always challenge me, I also know that they will allow me to grow in ways I couldn't even dream of. And as I learn and grow, my Love learns and grows. I not only embrace the changes, but I come to love them dearly. And in everything- literally, in all things, I see God.
I see Him meeting me right where I am. Just like a small child stretching their arms out to be held, through it all, I stretch my arms out to my Beloved Father, begging to be held. I cling to His clothes with all my strength because I need Him always. And no matter how hard I pull or how much I stretch my arms out to him, I'll never be able to reach Him.
But that Father of mine, He loves to hold me. And He knows that I can't reach Him.
So He bends down to me, meeting me right where I am.
His Love shines upon my face as He picks me up, and I am filled with confidence that I will never face Change alone. And I respond to His Love. All that fills my being, is praise, for The One who draws near to me, with outstretched arms.

коледни пости

My Dearest Friends,

Merry Christmas!
I've been thinking a lot about Advent, and what it means. 
I recall many years of lighting the candles on the Advent wreath

and never understanding exactly what it meant.
What is Advent?

Well, when it comes down to it, 
Advent is not pink, white, and purple candles.
Advent is not reading certain scriptures on certain Sundays.
Advent is not ceremony and tradition.

I'm no theologian- let alone, a Nazarene one.
But I am a Christian. 
And this is what I have come to understand about Advent.

Advent is a sort of condition of the heart.
It is eager expectation.
It is a long awaiting.
It is a deep yearning- a desperation.
It is all your hopes, - even your last hope

all placed in a person.
A single person
A person without wealth
A person without political authority
A person essentially, without any power

And even more absurd than this..
not even a Man
but a delicate, vulnerable, baby boy.

Advent is a confidence
Confidence in the One
The One in whom you placed all your hope
It is a trust.
Trusting that you have not been forgotten
That you have not been abandoned
That God has heard your cries of desperation
That God has seen your tears
And has promised you ransom
And He has promised you redemption
and forgiveness of sins
and Hope
and Love

Advent is faith.

Faith that awaits the fulfillment of the promise
The promise of the God who saw
The God who heard
The God who did not sit idly by
and watch
and listen.
But rather,
suffered. 
He suffered with His beloved creation.
He longed to draw near to them.
But humanity had created a barrier
We sinned.
Our sin kept us from our Holy Father.

And so He did the unexpected.
He did what some would call foolish.
He did what no one else could do.

God became man
Or rather,
a baby. 
a delicate, vulnerable, baby boy.

He did this to fulfill His promise
He did this to show us the depth of His Love
He did this to truly Be with the creation He could not abandon.

God came.
Advent is His arrival.
Advent is the fulfillment of the promise, that the long-expected, long-awaited, eagerly anticipated Father God would come and restore, renew, and redeem His most beloved Creation... in the form of a baby boy. 
Our Messiah.
Our Emmanuel.
He came.

And so
we celebrate.
We rejoice!
We remember!
God came!
In all our suffering
In all our brokenness
In all our sin
God came!
and He stayed.
He refused to leave us

because He loves us.
And though we may never understand this Love
We may embrace it.
We may learn from it
And we may exemplify it in our own lives.
And it will change us
It will redeem us
It will make us new
And we will rejoice.
We rejoice 
because God came.

just like He said He would.

We are the brokenness of the world.

I haven't written in a while.

In case you can't tell, I'm quite influenced by my emotions. Perhaps not in the sense that I am so easily swayed on any and every matter, but rather, I know that one of the strengths God has given me, is an incredible ability to empathize. I feel. I allow myself to feel everything. I am in constant prayer that God would make me strong enough to feel what others feel no matter how wonderful, or how terrible, and yet to not let it overwhelm or burden me. I pray that I may never grow numb to the pain I am able to feel. For this is how I am able to Love.

Because it is shared feeling. Mutual pain or joy with another person is what separates us from any other living creature. It is a sort of communion with all of humanity; at the same time, it is communion with God. It is love that allows us to feel this way- not just sympathize but to truly feel it.

Truth be told, I haven't felt like writing.
 I've found myself feeling weak.

I have certainly been physically weak (this Floridian body is not accustomed to such cold temperatures).
I have been mentally weak- perhaps from my tendency to over-think every. single. thing.
And I have been emotionally weak- and it is this weakness I think, that surpasses them all.

I don't think I've reached homesickness just yet. Perhaps just a longing to be with family during these holidays that I have always shared with my mom, my brother, and my sister. But this is perfectly normal.

However, when you couple this feeling on top of a pile of others, it becomes too great to carry on one's own shoulders.

I haven't been to the orphanage or the school in so long. Too long. I can't risk getting the children sick. But my heart is theirs. When I'm away, I feel as if I am torn from my own child.
Though I stayed away and remained at home for the most part, trying to rest and get better, I only got worse. I had my first hospital experience, my first x-ray experience, and my first blood testing experience all in one evening. It was frightening, but I was anxious to get better- to feel like myself again.
After beginning my medicinal regimen, I could instantly tell the difference. I was on an easier path to recovery and a dear Missionary friend and mentor helped to cheer me so much.

And then I came home. And I learned of things I missed while I was away.

Sandy Hook Elementary School.
Chenpeng Village Primary School.

And  I lost it. All those children. The teachers and staff who risked and gave their lives to save them. And the men who were driven to do such heinous things. 

I am no longer able to distinguish between victim and villain.
To so many, this is disturbing. Such a perspective on humanity is a criminal offense to be judged harshly- especially in light of these tragedies, and every other tragedy we have ever known. We need someone to blame. Perhaps it helps us when we grieve? I do not know.
But I cannot and will not take it back.

Because: we are all suffering. 
Because: we feel.
Because: some cannot feel.
Because: some of us have only known suffering, and consequently can only cause suffering.
Because: a person is so much more than a final product. 
               a person is an entire story- not just the ending.
Because: we are part of a world of brokenness.

We are the brokenness of the world.

 I do not say any of this to lessen or diminish the horrors of what has happened. On the contrary, 
I say this because the horrors are greater than we may realize. 

We must combat these horrors.
We must take up arms.
We must fight.
We must wage war.

And our weapon must be Love.

Love that allows us to feel.
Love that allows us to see more than just a Story's ending.
Love that leads to action.
Love that forgives.
Love that sacrifices self.
Love that "suffers with"- no matter how painful.
Love that trusts.
Love that gives generously.
Love that does what is right above what is easy.
Love that perseveres no matter how grim a situation may be or seem.
Love that sees that there is always another option- always a choice.
Love that refuses to give in to violence.
Love that refuses to avenge. 
Love that transforms everyone it embraces- including ourselves.

Love is the answer.
It is always the answer.
It is our greatest strength.
It is our mightiest weapon.

Love truly conquers all.
and by that I mean- all evil.
Perhaps it is more appropriate to say: 
Love Saves All.
    

I no longer know what to pray for except Love. 
I hope you'll join me.

I'm not the only one who cares.

As time has passed since my last written blog, I've been thinking a lot about the things that I said without words.. I've been thinking about the message I was sending in between the lines.

And I realized that that message was wrong. It was horribly wrong and I didn't even realize I was sending it.

Though I spoke raw uncensored truth, I also spoke falsehood without words.
And I want to rectify and apologize for that lie with the following statement:

I'm not the only one who cares.

How could I be? To say such a thing would be putting myself on a pedestal- a place where no human belongs. To say such a thing is like saying that God did not arrive here until He brought me here. And the truth is... God has always been here. God has always been moving and working here. And I want to list a few of the ways I have seen him working and moving here outside of myself.

I see God's presence in the the braided hair of the little girls when they get on the bus. Any parent or guardian who takes the time to braid a little girl's hair definitely cares.  I say this from my own experience as a little girl who would fidget and complain when my mom brushed and braided my hair. But she did it as gently as she could. She did it carefully so that she wouldn't hurt me. And she wanted me to look nice when I went to school. She did it because she loved me.

I see God's presence in the food that the children eat at school. Not every school has a food program-- food plays a vital role in education. Any teacher will tell you this. No person can learn when their basic needs aren't being met. Jesus knew this and He created 5,000 meals out of a meal meant for 1. The food program ensures nourishment throughout the week regardless of what home-life is like, and the school teachers and the principal work really hard to get grants to pay for things like food. And God has revealed his Love by  providing food through the grant-givers.

In addition to this, the school also applies for grants for wood. Winters here are extreme. The school would have to close down if there was no wood because no wood means no heat. And this is probably only seen in small areas of the Western world, but using wood alone for heat requires A LOT of work. For months, all you hear all day long is the sound of chainsaws cutting wood. It takes a lot to heat up a building and the fact that the school applied for, received, and were given wood for heating is absolutely incredible. It is nothing short of God's handiwork. The Principal cares. The people who gave the wood care. The teachers care.

Speaking of winter, there's also the issue of warmth outside of school. So the principal, the teachers, and Zhana have been working together to get duvets (comforters) and winter supplies for the families of the students. In fact, distribution of these supplies is to take place rather soon! And we're thankful for those who have provided warmth in so many forms.

And I'm going to be honest once again. Though I absolutely from the depths of my heart, love and cherish each child, I do not and can not deny their dreadful behaviors. In the classic "fight or flight" conflict decision, the kids almost always choose to fight. It's as if it is in their blood. And they fight with everyone: peers, friends, siblings, teachers, persons of authority. I think of a time when I had a college practicum at an inner-city school. A lot of the same issues can be found here, and it is a challenge. It takes an incredible amount of motivation to try to help these children to unlearn these bad behaviors and learn peaceful ones- positive ones. Though the motivation varies from person to person, I have seen in many of the people working with these kids- in many of the teachers and certainly in the principal that the motivation is compassion. The motivation is the idea of a different future- a different path for each child to take. And they work so hard to show them a different path and to give them the tools they need to survive on this path. These teachers have been building relationships with the families of the students for a long long long time. They don't have a certain day with certain hours of parent-teacher conferences where parents sign up for a time and come in to the school to meet with their child's teachers like in the States. No, they actually get in their cars and drive into the villages or to wherever the families live and they meet with the parents in their own homes or in a place that is easily accessible for the parents because they care about the students and their families, and they really work hard on building relationships with families because, as any teacher would say, a parent or guardian is a child's first teacher. Your family is your first teacher. Any good teacher knows that having a strong relationship with the parents of their students is vital to the successful education of any child. And any great teacher will work hard to build a strong relationship with the parents of their students even if it means making home-visits or providing food, or clothing or warmth, or whatever to these families.
I am not the only one who cares.
And THANK GOD for that.
I thank God for these people who care- who have been caring for so long.
I thank God for teachers who have not and will not give up.
I thank God for parents who won't let their children leave the house without a jacket.
I thank God for mothers who braid their daughters' hair.
I thank God for Principals who understand that children can't learn when they're cold or hungry.
I thank God for people who are generous with what they have been given and provide for those who are in need of whatever that may be.
I thank God for male figures who teach young boys how to be responsible young men.
I thank God for schools that work hard to be a safe place for children.
And I thank God for His constant presence- for His constant motivation moving within this school and His Love falling upon this community- upon His children.
I thank you Dear God, that I am not the only one who cares.