We are the brokenness of the world.

I haven't written in a while.

In case you can't tell, I'm quite influenced by my emotions. Perhaps not in the sense that I am so easily swayed on any and every matter, but rather, I know that one of the strengths God has given me, is an incredible ability to empathize. I feel. I allow myself to feel everything. I am in constant prayer that God would make me strong enough to feel what others feel no matter how wonderful, or how terrible, and yet to not let it overwhelm or burden me. I pray that I may never grow numb to the pain I am able to feel. For this is how I am able to Love.

Because it is shared feeling. Mutual pain or joy with another person is what separates us from any other living creature. It is a sort of communion with all of humanity; at the same time, it is communion with God. It is love that allows us to feel this way- not just sympathize but to truly feel it.

Truth be told, I haven't felt like writing.
 I've found myself feeling weak.

I have certainly been physically weak (this Floridian body is not accustomed to such cold temperatures).
I have been mentally weak- perhaps from my tendency to over-think every. single. thing.
And I have been emotionally weak- and it is this weakness I think, that surpasses them all.

I don't think I've reached homesickness just yet. Perhaps just a longing to be with family during these holidays that I have always shared with my mom, my brother, and my sister. But this is perfectly normal.

However, when you couple this feeling on top of a pile of others, it becomes too great to carry on one's own shoulders.

I haven't been to the orphanage or the school in so long. Too long. I can't risk getting the children sick. But my heart is theirs. When I'm away, I feel as if I am torn from my own child.
Though I stayed away and remained at home for the most part, trying to rest and get better, I only got worse. I had my first hospital experience, my first x-ray experience, and my first blood testing experience all in one evening. It was frightening, but I was anxious to get better- to feel like myself again.
After beginning my medicinal regimen, I could instantly tell the difference. I was on an easier path to recovery and a dear Missionary friend and mentor helped to cheer me so much.

And then I came home. And I learned of things I missed while I was away.

Sandy Hook Elementary School.
Chenpeng Village Primary School.

And  I lost it. All those children. The teachers and staff who risked and gave their lives to save them. And the men who were driven to do such heinous things. 

I am no longer able to distinguish between victim and villain.
To so many, this is disturbing. Such a perspective on humanity is a criminal offense to be judged harshly- especially in light of these tragedies, and every other tragedy we have ever known. We need someone to blame. Perhaps it helps us when we grieve? I do not know.
But I cannot and will not take it back.

Because: we are all suffering. 
Because: we feel.
Because: some cannot feel.
Because: some of us have only known suffering, and consequently can only cause suffering.
Because: a person is so much more than a final product. 
               a person is an entire story- not just the ending.
Because: we are part of a world of brokenness.

We are the brokenness of the world.

 I do not say any of this to lessen or diminish the horrors of what has happened. On the contrary, 
I say this because the horrors are greater than we may realize. 

We must combat these horrors.
We must take up arms.
We must fight.
We must wage war.

And our weapon must be Love.

Love that allows us to feel.
Love that allows us to see more than just a Story's ending.
Love that leads to action.
Love that forgives.
Love that sacrifices self.
Love that "suffers with"- no matter how painful.
Love that trusts.
Love that gives generously.
Love that does what is right above what is easy.
Love that perseveres no matter how grim a situation may be or seem.
Love that sees that there is always another option- always a choice.
Love that refuses to give in to violence.
Love that refuses to avenge. 
Love that transforms everyone it embraces- including ourselves.

Love is the answer.
It is always the answer.
It is our greatest strength.
It is our mightiest weapon.

Love truly conquers all.
and by that I mean- all evil.
Perhaps it is more appropriate to say: 
Love Saves All.
    

I no longer know what to pray for except Love. 
I hope you'll join me.