I think everyday for the first 5 days, I shed many tears.
Being back in these familiar places is very strange.
On the one hand, they are places I have known very well, and the familiarity is comforting
and on the other hand, I view them with new eyes that have seen and known another way of living.
The things that cause strong emotions vary.
Often times, it's the most random and unexpected things that hit me hardest.
For example, the garden section of the grocery store really upset me.
When I saw the all-too-perfect flowers in their orderly little flower-pots, my heart's mind recalled the gardens I adored on my daily walks through Botevgrad.
When I ate a simply cooked fried egg, I got upset at the color of the yolk. It wasn't the right shade of yellow.
When I hear music on the radio, it's not so different from the pop music I always heard in Bulgaria, however, just tapping my hands and feet as I have always done reminded me of my little ones in the orphanage who moved their tiny bodies to the beat of the music that played in each room.
My kids.
I want to think about them but I have a sort of self-limitation on how much I can think about them.
It's a difficult balance that I'm still figuring out.
And then there are all my beautiful Bulgarian friends...
Facebook helps a lot with this- it is at least an avenue of keeping in touch.
But my access to internet is limited now since I don't have internet at home.
Part of me sees this as a good thing in that I won't be glued to my computer
and the other part of me sees this as a difficult thing in that I can't talk to my Bulgarian friends as often as I want to... which is basically everyday.
I think I'm pretty lucky because I didn't experience jet-lag upon arriving here... but I've noticed that my body's response to stress is sleep. Whenever I feel overwhelmed (something I don't always recognize until after I've calmed down), I try to escape through sleeping. I don't like this because I think I'm avoiding my feelings, but sometimes, I just can't help it. I'm still working through it though.
Aside from all the negative stuff however, I've experienced a heck of a lot of amazing things.
There is nothing like the support, encouragement, and understanding of friends.
There is nothing like reunions with those dear ones you've known for literally half your life
There is nothing like being attacked with hugs from your little sister
There is nothing like the smile on your mom's face when she sees you again
There is nothing like the taste of mom's home-cooked food (I still can't get enough of Mexican food!)
There is nothing like watching your big brother propose to the beautiful girl you always wanted for him
There is nothing like gaining new sisters and family members you never knew you could love so much
There is nothing like the salty breeze at the beach and the smell of sunscreen on your skin
There is nothing like lazy evenings of Harry Potter and ice cream.
There is just nothing like it, and I want to soak up every second of the nothingness.
People keep asking me what I will do now that I am back, and many people ask me if I will return to Bulgaria.
Now that I'm back, I will do what anyone would do... try to find a job. I'll start the process for a Florida teaching license and maybe find a minimum wage job in the meantime so I at least have some form of income to help out with bills at home.
Will I go back to Bulgaria?
I have no doubt about it. I just have no clue when it will happen.
The good news is, God always provides. If He has led my heart to Bulgaria, He will get me there at the right time. I've learned that the cheesy things people say about God's timing is true. It is perfect. I think God blessed my time in Bulgaria which reassures me that it was the right time for me to go. I waited a long while before I was able to go there, and that taught me that God's blessing is always worth the wait. Right now, I am peace with waiting. The peace of God is a glorious thing.
So from here on, I will work towards readjusting to American life. I can tell it won't be easy. I know job-hunting will probably be discouraging and that boredom and lack of purpose will be a struggle for me, so for this, I ask prayer. I'm just glad that through all this, I won't be alone- not in body, nor in spirit.
