Heartbreak

I know it has been a while since I have written.
I have so many "unpublished" blogs that I could never bring myself to finish.
But now, I find that writing and crying are the only ways to release some of what I am feeling.

In one week and about three hours, I will find myself back in Nashville... the place that sort of brought me here.
And I consider Nashville to be my favorite city in the U.S. There is something loveable about it that I will never escape from.
After Nashville, I will find myself in the arms of my beloved family... the light at the end of the tunnel... the line at the finish.. the goal I fix my eyes upon

But right this moment... 
I don't want to leave. I don't want to say any more goodbyes. 
I feel like my heart breaks a little more with each one
I feel like I'm dying inside.

I don't understand what this is. I don't know how to cope with it.
I don't know why I have loved ones all over this world 
but still feel alone.

I am terrified of the uncertainty that lies ahead
I have all this book knowledge of cross-cultural experience but it doesn't make me feel any better and it doesn't help make any of this easier.

I think about my students... and in my mind, I don't even think of them as students. They are my friends.
I think about my friends and they are my family.
I think about the children at the orphanage and they are my sweet little ones... the ones who greet me with excited smiles, hugs, and kisses. The ones who still ask me when I will be coming back every.single.time. they see me. The ones who are soul of my soul. Heart of my heart.
They are used to goodbye.. but they still ask for you long after you're gone.

Oh God.
I am heartbroken in every possible way.
Why did I do this?
Why did I come here? if I'm just going to have to leave again.
Why get close to people at all?
Why leave all you have ever known in order to be a stranger in new place?
Why Love if it only leads to heart break?

I did this because God spoke to my heart. 
He told me that there are people I could love here.
I got close because I couldn't help it. I let myself be vulnerable with everyone because I trust them. I trust them because God placed this trust inside me. 
I left "home" because God led me to a new one.
I Love because I can. I Love because it only exists when it is shared.. and I want it to exist. I want it to surround me. I want it to change people. I want it to change me. I want it to break me. And it has! It has!
It has completely broken me. How could it not? The only Love worth having is the one that breaks you.. the one that builds you into something new. The one that makes you hurt... the one that is worth suffering for.

I don't know how to explain this. But my love for this country.. my love for these people.. my new friends, my new family... they matter to me. They mean everything to me. Everything. And they are so special. They have such amazing minds.. such amazing hearts. And they deserve my heartbreak.

Do you understand?
It's the same way I feel about loved ones who have passed away.
They deserve to be mourned over.
They deserve the Love that breaks you.

For right now and perhaps until I return, Bulgaria deserves my broken heart.